I usually do not like to refer to my body parts through clichés, but last weekend the Idaho Vandals ran into the strong arm of the law. Let me rephrase that. I do like referring to my body parts in clichés; however, I realize that it is frowned upon, so I generally try to avoid doing it. Actually, let me give that one more try. I love referring to my body parts in clichés; however, I realize that it is frowned upon, so when I do it, I preface it with saying “I usually do not like to do this.”
Although it seems like most Tar Heel fans were content with last week’s 66-0 victory, there has been much discussion about something that happened midway through the fourth quarter. With our offense already on the field in scoring position, a substitution was made. After a multi-touchdown performance, second-string quarterback Marquise Williams trotted off the field to an approving applause from the Tar Pit faithful. As he came to the sideline, another quarterback, with a jersey unscathed by grass and dirt, jogged onto the field. In this moment, every soul in the stadium could feel that something special was about to transpire. In this moment, I took the field to make my college football debut.
Since the final horn sounded in that game, the topic of every radio show, press clipping, and television feature has been on the newborn quarterback controversy at UNC. I realize that this is probably concerning to a lot of fans out there who believe that our team has a too much on its plate right now to deal with a midseason depth chart battle at the quarterback position. I want you to know that I share your concern. I don’t want to see another established star’s job threatened this week anymore than you do. Big Bird was bad enough, but Bryn Renner is a real person with real feelings.
As the reason for this controversy, and as someone who conveniently operates a public forum that was specifically designed to solve pertinent issues such as this, I think that it is only right that I settle this dispute once and for all in the only way that I know how: a debate.
This debate will proceed as following. The moderator, Jim Lehrer, will pose a question. After that, each party will be allowed a paragraph response, and then it will be a wild-west-style free-for-all after that. The winner of the debate will be the party who can demonstrate the most confidence and have the quickest responses. Statistics and facts do not have to hold any validity, as long as they are presented assertively. Representing the Pro-Caleb side will be Caleb Pressley, potential new starter for the UNC football team. Representing the Anti-America side will be Peter Buck, inventor of healthy fast food, and all other things un-American.
Let us begin.
Jim Lehrer: Good evening gentlemen. I would like to welcome you to the 2012 Crib Calls Debate. Tonight we are going to focus on the quarterback controversy that is brewing in the UNC locker room. This debate will revolve around you answering the following question: Should Caleb Pressley start the Virginia Tech game at quarterback? We have flipped a coin, and Peter; you will deliver your opening remarks first.
Peter: Thank you Jim. Let me start by saying this: There is absolutely no scenario that Caleb should even come to close to smelling the field against Virginia Tech. Even though I have to admit that I was taken aback by his obvious ability to handle a late fourth quarter lead, Caleb has not done anything to challenge Bryn for his spot. Renner has over a 3:1 touchdown to interception ratio; a 160.5 quarterback rating; and is on pace to break his own school record for passing yards in a season. Furthermore, Bryn has significantly greater game experience than Caleb, and he is also the unquestioned leader of this team.
Jim: Thank you Peter. Caleb, you may now offer your rebuttal.
Caleb: First, let me start by making something very clear: I am Pro-America. With this is mind; my answer to the question should be obvious: Caleb should start this Saturday against Virginia Tech—on both sides of the ball. You can say what you want about Bryn’s great numbers, but let’s be honest, there is something odd about a spread quarterback with loose jersey sleeves.
You see, what sepa…
Jim: Umm… yes… Caleb, you have reached your one paragraph response limit.
Caleb: (Clears throat and continues) You see, what separates Caleb from Bryn is his gigantic heart. Every morning Caleb looks in the mirror and reflects on himself. Do you want to know what he sees? He sees himself wearing a shirt with backwards letters. But the more important question is do you know what he hears? What he hears is the thudding pulse of an oversized heart beating vociferously in his chest. This kid has more fight in him than The Palace at Auburn Hills when Metta World Peace comes to town. Basically what I am trying to say is that…
Jim: Unfortunately we have to move on…
Caleb: Jim, I will let you know when I am finished. Tomorrow when Virginia Tech comes to Chapel Hill, they will undoubtedly be taking us lightly because our stadium is named after a Nickelodeon show. As the American people, we must feel morally obligated to ask ourselves, “Who is better fit to take advantage of this overconfidence? A person with great quarterbacking skills, or a person who’s flame of desire is so scalding hot that it could burn through paper faster than Antoine Walker?” I think we all know the correct answer to that.
Peter: Yes we do and it is…
Caleb: Peter, I appreciate you tuning in this evening, but please, save your breath.
Well, it looks like we have a winner. For this sites first ever debate, I think that it went pretty smoothly. However, I would like to make the general disclaimer for all crib callers this week that even though I just wrote just about an entire post referring to myself in third person, arguing that another third person version of myself is awesome, I am still an INCREDIBLY modest guy. The last thing I want to do is mislead you into thinking that I have any negative qualities.
Last but not least, I would like to make this week’s “Crib Call of the Week.” It was announced this Monday that the 2012 Distinguished Young Woman of America will be opening for American Idol, Scotty McCreery’s concert two weeks from now at the North Carolina State Fair. As you probably guessed, this particular young woman is originally from the great state of North Carolina. However, what you probably did not know is that she is more specifically from Asheville, and attended “the” A.C. Reynolds High School. Christina Maxwell, this one is for you.
Until next time,